Post by QPR Report on Jan 27, 2009 7:44:01 GMT
Brilliantly done by The Times! And some strike especially close to home - Feel Free to Add to this List!
The Times - The 50 worst things about modern football
- Reasons Why The Modern Game Makes Us Mad
Kaveh Solhekol
Football is one of the greatest things in the world but itâs not perfect. It used to be perfect. Before money and television and the Bosman ruling and Baby Bentleys and roastings and tattoos and takeovers and no standing and agents and prawn sandwiches and rotation
These are the 50 worst things about modern football. It could have been 500.
50. Technical areas
Did Bob Paisley need a technical area when Liverpool won three European Cups and six league titles? Did Alf Ramsey need a technical area when England won the World Cup? Whatâs so technical about a bit of grass and some white lines, anyway? Memo to all modern managers: Sit down and shut up.
49. Motorway service stations
You go in for a slash and five minutes later youâve bought a full-English breakfast for ÂŁ18.99 and joined the AA.
48. Transfer windows
Imagine if you could only do your shopping twice a year - once in January and then in June, July and August. What would happen? Youâd have a fridge full of beer and youâd run out of toilet paper. It wouldnât work in real life and it doesnât work in football.
47. Squad numbers
Remember the days when the best player was No 10 and goalkeepers were No 1? Not any more. Thanks to someone at the Premier League watching an American football game, players can have any number they want. George Bowyer is Rochdaleâs No 33, Ronaldinho is AC Milanâs No 80 and William Gallas is Arsenalâs No 10. Why?
46. Autobiographies
There comes a time in every playerâs life when he decides â or his agent tells him â to write his life story. A couple of interviews with a ghostwriter later and hey presto we have 200 pages of guff and absolutely zero interest from the book-buying public. Wayne Rooney has already written two books. Thatâs one more than heâs read.
45. Craig Bellamy
Heâs gobby, heâs Welsh, heâs played for 842 clubs, heâs covered in tattoos and he earns ÂŁ90,000 a week. Whatâs not to like?
44. Undisclosed transfer fees
If youâre going to spend some of my hard-earned season ticket money on a player Iâve never heard of, I want to know how much he cost. Iâm not interested in add-ons or projected fees. I just want a number. Any number will do.
43. Statistics
American obsession that is gradually weaving itself into the fabric of our national game. Do you care how many assists Wayne Rooney has this season? Do you care how many passes Steve Gerrard has completed in the final third? Do you care if Gareth Barryâs tackle win ratio has dropped off since Christmas? Thought not. Thereâs only one stat that matters. The score.
42. By mutual consent
Three of the most meaningless words in the English language. Either the manager resigned or he was sacked. Just tell us the truth, we can handle it.
41. Fans who complain when games are called off
Were little white things falling out of the sky when you walked to the car this morning? Was the pavement a bit slippery? If the answer to both these questions is yes, thereâs a good chance the gameâs going to be called off. Itâs not the refereeâs fault, itâs not the FAâs fault and itâs not the groundsmanâs fault. Some things just werenât meant to be.
40. Gloves
This is England, not Siberia. Your hands will warm up if you run around for five minutes.
39. The fat bloke in row P
Go to any football ground anywhere in England and there will be a fat bloke in your row who will a) arrive late b) talk rubbish c) leave five minutes before half time d) come back five minutes after the game has restarted e) talk rubbish f) leave five minutes before the game has finished.
38. The manager's programme column
âFirst off Iâd like to say a big welcome to blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah we were robbed last week blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah the lads have been training brilliantly blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah get behind the lads today blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Enjoy the game.â
37. Formations
Yawn. 4-4-1-1, 4-3-2-1, 4-3-3, 4-1-4-1, 4-2-3-1, 3-5-2, 4-2-1-3. Canât we just knock it up to the big bloke and get the little bloke to bang it in?
36. Chelsea
The new Manchester United.
35. Sky Sports News
The television station that thinks John Carewâs ingrowing toenail responding to treatment is breaking news. Is Sky Sports News the greatest invention known to man or a drug more addictive than crack? Weâll be back after the break.
34. trainline.com
If you fancy following your team around the country by public transport, donât bother with one of the worst websites in the world. Try telling it you want a train from Manchester to London on Saturday night - journey time 2 hours 30 minutes. No problem. Get the 21:06 to Birmingham New Street. Then jump on 22:53 to Northampton. Then hop on the 04:58 bus to Leighton Buzzard. Then hop on the 06.44 bus to London. With any luck youâll be in Euston at 8 oâclock on Sunday morning â journey time 11 hours.
33. Added time
âThe fourth official has indicated that there will be three minutes of added timeâ. So what? We got along just fine without a bloke in a tracksuit holding up a big No 3 at a quarter to five every Saturday.
32. Joey Barton
We donât like to kick a man when heâs down, but he did, so here goes. Type âJoey Barton scumâ into google and you get 30,500 results.
31. Official statements
Did Robinho really say, âI am committed to helping Manchester City become the force the owners assured me they would becomeâ? Maybe one of his agents typed it into his Blackberry. Robinho doesnât know what âcommittedâ or âassuredâ mean because he doesnât speak English.
30. Match Of The Day
Used to be the best programme on TV. Now, itâs the best football highlights show on TV on Saturday nights.
29. Electronic pitchside advertising boards
Next time you go to Old Trafford make sure you take some sunglasses, otherwise youâll be blinded by the light from the adverts on the TV screens wrapped around the pitch. A word of advice for the skinny latte-sipping Soho adman who came up with this idea: We canât afford a new Audi. Weâre here for the football and the beer.
28. Referee's assistants
Theyâre linesmen. End of.
27. Hi-tech dugouts
Minutes from Manchester United board meeting May 2007: Sir Alex Ferguson requested that the board sanction the removal of the plastic seats in the home and away dugouts at Old Trafford. The manager wants them replaced with leather racing car seats like the ones they have in Porsches and Ferraris. Sir Bobby said that was ridiculous. Sir Alex told Sir Bobby to shut up.
26. The fourth official
Pointless â like Luton Town until last Saturday.
25. Club shops
Empires of tat and greed that make your local Poundstretcher look like Harrods. The club shop at the Emirates Stadium has a special section for Arsenal presents for your dog. The Stamford Bridge megastore sells Chelsea Christmas crackers â ÂŁ10.43 for a pack of six â and Manchester United have ventured into the toiletries market. Ever fancied washing your hair with Manchester United shampoo and conditioner? Now you can. For ÂŁ9.99.
24. Media training
All Premier League players and managers are given media training to make sure that they never say anything remotely interesting when someone puts a microphone in front of them. Now you know why theyâre taking one game at a time, why they didnât see their captain punch one of his team-mates, why they havenât thrown in the towel yet and why everything is going to be terrific.
23. Kaka
If heâs not interested in money why do AC Milan have to pay him ÂŁ173,000 a week?
22. Let Me Entertain You
Atrocious Robbie Williams song that has ruined the build-up to every single football game in the world since it was released in 1998.
21. Points deductions
This is England, not Italy. Deducting points from teams because they failed to comply with the Football Leagueâs insolvency rules or because they paid agents through a holding company has turned the bottom of League Two into a joke. Luton Town started the season on minus 30 points. The team at the bottom of the table should be the worst side in the league, not the club with the idiot accountant.
20. Official club websites
Good for getting directions to the ground, but not much else.
19. ITV
We havenât forgotten about the ITV Digital disaster and your FA Cup coverage isnât much to shout about either.
18. Opinions
We live in an âEveryoneâs entitled to my opinionâ kind of world and when it comes to football, everyoneâs got one. Rafaâs God. Rafaâs an idiot. Becks is past it. No, heâs not. How can Kaka be worth ÂŁ100 million? Yeh, but youâd pay ÂŁ45 to see him play. Stevie G and Lamps canât play together. But theyâre the best weâve got. Canât we all just shut up and watch the game?
17. Brazil
The greatest team in the world have become footballâs Harlem Globetrotters. Ronaldinho and Co have played only one friendly in Brazil in the past 2 ½ years. In the meantime theyâve put on a show in Oslo, Kuwait, Stockholm, London (four, about to be five, times), Basel, Gothenburg, Dortmund, Montpellier, Chicago, Boston, Dublin, Seattle and Boston. Ker-ching.
16. Internet message boards
My teamâs better than yours. No, my teamâs better than yours. No, my teamâs better than yours. No. my teamâs better than yours. Repeat until the world ends.
15. Tattoos
When we were kids only sailors and binmen had tattoos. Now, you canât walk into a dressing-room without being blinded by Celtic crosses, barbed wire, angels, Chinese proverbs, the name of everyoneâs kids, the name of everyoneâs kids in Hebrew, the name of everyoneâs wife, the name of everyoneâs wife in Latin, a couple of Welsh dragons and Steve Sidwellâs marriage vows.
14. Superagents
How does an agent become a superagent? Make a few phone calls, get friendly with Roman Abramovich and buy a flat in Knightsbridge.
13. Injuries
âWeâre down to the bare bonesâ and itâs not surprising considering that modern-day footballers are about as tough and durable as a Ming vase. Half of them canât run without pulling a hamstring and the other half canât tackle with breaking a metatarsal. Whatâs a hamstring anyway? And how come Bobby Moore never pulled one?
12. Manchester City
The new Chelsea.
11. Kick-off times
Football used to be played at three oâclock on a Saturday afternoon. Now itâs played when it suits Sky and Setanta.
10. Goal celebration music
Listen. Very. Carefully. We. Donât. Want. To. Hear. I. Feel. Good. Chelsea. Dagger. Or. Song. Two. Every. Time. Someone. Scores. A. Goal. Got. That?
9. The FA Cup
When was the last time a milkman lifted the FA Cup? When was the last time a postman scored at Wembley? Thereâs nothing romantic about a competition which ends every year with a bloke who earns ÂŁ100,000 a week lifting a trophy that he doesnât really give a monkeyâs about.
8. Takeovers
In the old days all you needed to support your local club was a scarf and rattle, but these days you need a degree in economics, an MBA and a subscription to the Financial Times. Come back all you butchers, car dealers, property developers and local boys made good â all is forgiven.
7. Wembley Stadium
The old Wembley Stadium had it all. Players dreamed of playing there and supporters dreamed of going there - even if the toilets smelled a bit funny. Then some bright spark at the FA thought it would be a good idea to knock down the most famous football stadium in the world and replace it with an ÂŁ800 million concrete box and a pointless arch. Best stadium in the world? Thanks to Arsenalâs new ground, the new Wembleyâs not even the best stadium in North London.
6. Radio phone-in shows
âThe next caller is Gary from Guildford. What do you want to get off your chest, Gary?â
âWell, Alan. I think Rafaâs got to go. How can you leave Torres on the bench when you need three points? And as for that ref, heâs got to be the worst ref Iâve ever seen.â
âWere you at the game, Gary?â
âNo.â
5. Rotation
You pay ÂŁ50 for a ticket, you spend ÂŁ10 on a pint of beer and a hotdog and you get to watch a kickabout between a bunch of kids no-oneâs ever heard of. Thanks Arsene. Thanks Rafa. Thanks Alex. Nice to know you care.
4. New stadium
Where would you rather watch a game? Maine Road or the City of Manchester Stadium? The Baseball Ground or Pride Park? Highfield Road or The Ricoh Arena? The Dell or St Maryâs? Filbert Street or The Walkers Stadium? Nice prawn sandwiches, though.
3. The Champions League
Whatâs changed since the European Cup turned into the Champions League in 1992? Everything. If you won the European Cup, you were the best team in Europe. If you win the Champions League, you owe someone ÂŁ700 million.
2. The Premier League
Whatâs changed since the Premier League broke away from the Football League in 1992? Everything. If you won the First Division title, you were the best team in England. If you win the Premier League, you owe someone ÂŁ500 million.
1. Television
The monster that ate football.
www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/article5589815.ece
The Times - The 50 worst things about modern football
- Reasons Why The Modern Game Makes Us Mad
Kaveh Solhekol
Football is one of the greatest things in the world but itâs not perfect. It used to be perfect. Before money and television and the Bosman ruling and Baby Bentleys and roastings and tattoos and takeovers and no standing and agents and prawn sandwiches and rotation
These are the 50 worst things about modern football. It could have been 500.
50. Technical areas
Did Bob Paisley need a technical area when Liverpool won three European Cups and six league titles? Did Alf Ramsey need a technical area when England won the World Cup? Whatâs so technical about a bit of grass and some white lines, anyway? Memo to all modern managers: Sit down and shut up.
49. Motorway service stations
You go in for a slash and five minutes later youâve bought a full-English breakfast for ÂŁ18.99 and joined the AA.
48. Transfer windows
Imagine if you could only do your shopping twice a year - once in January and then in June, July and August. What would happen? Youâd have a fridge full of beer and youâd run out of toilet paper. It wouldnât work in real life and it doesnât work in football.
47. Squad numbers
Remember the days when the best player was No 10 and goalkeepers were No 1? Not any more. Thanks to someone at the Premier League watching an American football game, players can have any number they want. George Bowyer is Rochdaleâs No 33, Ronaldinho is AC Milanâs No 80 and William Gallas is Arsenalâs No 10. Why?
46. Autobiographies
There comes a time in every playerâs life when he decides â or his agent tells him â to write his life story. A couple of interviews with a ghostwriter later and hey presto we have 200 pages of guff and absolutely zero interest from the book-buying public. Wayne Rooney has already written two books. Thatâs one more than heâs read.
45. Craig Bellamy
Heâs gobby, heâs Welsh, heâs played for 842 clubs, heâs covered in tattoos and he earns ÂŁ90,000 a week. Whatâs not to like?
44. Undisclosed transfer fees
If youâre going to spend some of my hard-earned season ticket money on a player Iâve never heard of, I want to know how much he cost. Iâm not interested in add-ons or projected fees. I just want a number. Any number will do.
43. Statistics
American obsession that is gradually weaving itself into the fabric of our national game. Do you care how many assists Wayne Rooney has this season? Do you care how many passes Steve Gerrard has completed in the final third? Do you care if Gareth Barryâs tackle win ratio has dropped off since Christmas? Thought not. Thereâs only one stat that matters. The score.
42. By mutual consent
Three of the most meaningless words in the English language. Either the manager resigned or he was sacked. Just tell us the truth, we can handle it.
41. Fans who complain when games are called off
Were little white things falling out of the sky when you walked to the car this morning? Was the pavement a bit slippery? If the answer to both these questions is yes, thereâs a good chance the gameâs going to be called off. Itâs not the refereeâs fault, itâs not the FAâs fault and itâs not the groundsmanâs fault. Some things just werenât meant to be.
40. Gloves
This is England, not Siberia. Your hands will warm up if you run around for five minutes.
39. The fat bloke in row P
Go to any football ground anywhere in England and there will be a fat bloke in your row who will a) arrive late b) talk rubbish c) leave five minutes before half time d) come back five minutes after the game has restarted e) talk rubbish f) leave five minutes before the game has finished.
38. The manager's programme column
âFirst off Iâd like to say a big welcome to blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah we were robbed last week blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah the lads have been training brilliantly blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah get behind the lads today blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Enjoy the game.â
37. Formations
Yawn. 4-4-1-1, 4-3-2-1, 4-3-3, 4-1-4-1, 4-2-3-1, 3-5-2, 4-2-1-3. Canât we just knock it up to the big bloke and get the little bloke to bang it in?
36. Chelsea
The new Manchester United.
35. Sky Sports News
The television station that thinks John Carewâs ingrowing toenail responding to treatment is breaking news. Is Sky Sports News the greatest invention known to man or a drug more addictive than crack? Weâll be back after the break.
34. trainline.com
If you fancy following your team around the country by public transport, donât bother with one of the worst websites in the world. Try telling it you want a train from Manchester to London on Saturday night - journey time 2 hours 30 minutes. No problem. Get the 21:06 to Birmingham New Street. Then jump on 22:53 to Northampton. Then hop on the 04:58 bus to Leighton Buzzard. Then hop on the 06.44 bus to London. With any luck youâll be in Euston at 8 oâclock on Sunday morning â journey time 11 hours.
33. Added time
âThe fourth official has indicated that there will be three minutes of added timeâ. So what? We got along just fine without a bloke in a tracksuit holding up a big No 3 at a quarter to five every Saturday.
32. Joey Barton
We donât like to kick a man when heâs down, but he did, so here goes. Type âJoey Barton scumâ into google and you get 30,500 results.
31. Official statements
Did Robinho really say, âI am committed to helping Manchester City become the force the owners assured me they would becomeâ? Maybe one of his agents typed it into his Blackberry. Robinho doesnât know what âcommittedâ or âassuredâ mean because he doesnât speak English.
30. Match Of The Day
Used to be the best programme on TV. Now, itâs the best football highlights show on TV on Saturday nights.
29. Electronic pitchside advertising boards
Next time you go to Old Trafford make sure you take some sunglasses, otherwise youâll be blinded by the light from the adverts on the TV screens wrapped around the pitch. A word of advice for the skinny latte-sipping Soho adman who came up with this idea: We canât afford a new Audi. Weâre here for the football and the beer.
28. Referee's assistants
Theyâre linesmen. End of.
27. Hi-tech dugouts
Minutes from Manchester United board meeting May 2007: Sir Alex Ferguson requested that the board sanction the removal of the plastic seats in the home and away dugouts at Old Trafford. The manager wants them replaced with leather racing car seats like the ones they have in Porsches and Ferraris. Sir Bobby said that was ridiculous. Sir Alex told Sir Bobby to shut up.
26. The fourth official
Pointless â like Luton Town until last Saturday.
25. Club shops
Empires of tat and greed that make your local Poundstretcher look like Harrods. The club shop at the Emirates Stadium has a special section for Arsenal presents for your dog. The Stamford Bridge megastore sells Chelsea Christmas crackers â ÂŁ10.43 for a pack of six â and Manchester United have ventured into the toiletries market. Ever fancied washing your hair with Manchester United shampoo and conditioner? Now you can. For ÂŁ9.99.
24. Media training
All Premier League players and managers are given media training to make sure that they never say anything remotely interesting when someone puts a microphone in front of them. Now you know why theyâre taking one game at a time, why they didnât see their captain punch one of his team-mates, why they havenât thrown in the towel yet and why everything is going to be terrific.
23. Kaka
If heâs not interested in money why do AC Milan have to pay him ÂŁ173,000 a week?
22. Let Me Entertain You
Atrocious Robbie Williams song that has ruined the build-up to every single football game in the world since it was released in 1998.
21. Points deductions
This is England, not Italy. Deducting points from teams because they failed to comply with the Football Leagueâs insolvency rules or because they paid agents through a holding company has turned the bottom of League Two into a joke. Luton Town started the season on minus 30 points. The team at the bottom of the table should be the worst side in the league, not the club with the idiot accountant.
20. Official club websites
Good for getting directions to the ground, but not much else.
19. ITV
We havenât forgotten about the ITV Digital disaster and your FA Cup coverage isnât much to shout about either.
18. Opinions
We live in an âEveryoneâs entitled to my opinionâ kind of world and when it comes to football, everyoneâs got one. Rafaâs God. Rafaâs an idiot. Becks is past it. No, heâs not. How can Kaka be worth ÂŁ100 million? Yeh, but youâd pay ÂŁ45 to see him play. Stevie G and Lamps canât play together. But theyâre the best weâve got. Canât we all just shut up and watch the game?
17. Brazil
The greatest team in the world have become footballâs Harlem Globetrotters. Ronaldinho and Co have played only one friendly in Brazil in the past 2 ½ years. In the meantime theyâve put on a show in Oslo, Kuwait, Stockholm, London (four, about to be five, times), Basel, Gothenburg, Dortmund, Montpellier, Chicago, Boston, Dublin, Seattle and Boston. Ker-ching.
16. Internet message boards
My teamâs better than yours. No, my teamâs better than yours. No, my teamâs better than yours. No. my teamâs better than yours. Repeat until the world ends.
15. Tattoos
When we were kids only sailors and binmen had tattoos. Now, you canât walk into a dressing-room without being blinded by Celtic crosses, barbed wire, angels, Chinese proverbs, the name of everyoneâs kids, the name of everyoneâs kids in Hebrew, the name of everyoneâs wife, the name of everyoneâs wife in Latin, a couple of Welsh dragons and Steve Sidwellâs marriage vows.
14. Superagents
How does an agent become a superagent? Make a few phone calls, get friendly with Roman Abramovich and buy a flat in Knightsbridge.
13. Injuries
âWeâre down to the bare bonesâ and itâs not surprising considering that modern-day footballers are about as tough and durable as a Ming vase. Half of them canât run without pulling a hamstring and the other half canât tackle with breaking a metatarsal. Whatâs a hamstring anyway? And how come Bobby Moore never pulled one?
12. Manchester City
The new Chelsea.
11. Kick-off times
Football used to be played at three oâclock on a Saturday afternoon. Now itâs played when it suits Sky and Setanta.
10. Goal celebration music
Listen. Very. Carefully. We. Donât. Want. To. Hear. I. Feel. Good. Chelsea. Dagger. Or. Song. Two. Every. Time. Someone. Scores. A. Goal. Got. That?
9. The FA Cup
When was the last time a milkman lifted the FA Cup? When was the last time a postman scored at Wembley? Thereâs nothing romantic about a competition which ends every year with a bloke who earns ÂŁ100,000 a week lifting a trophy that he doesnât really give a monkeyâs about.
8. Takeovers
In the old days all you needed to support your local club was a scarf and rattle, but these days you need a degree in economics, an MBA and a subscription to the Financial Times. Come back all you butchers, car dealers, property developers and local boys made good â all is forgiven.
7. Wembley Stadium
The old Wembley Stadium had it all. Players dreamed of playing there and supporters dreamed of going there - even if the toilets smelled a bit funny. Then some bright spark at the FA thought it would be a good idea to knock down the most famous football stadium in the world and replace it with an ÂŁ800 million concrete box and a pointless arch. Best stadium in the world? Thanks to Arsenalâs new ground, the new Wembleyâs not even the best stadium in North London.
6. Radio phone-in shows
âThe next caller is Gary from Guildford. What do you want to get off your chest, Gary?â
âWell, Alan. I think Rafaâs got to go. How can you leave Torres on the bench when you need three points? And as for that ref, heâs got to be the worst ref Iâve ever seen.â
âWere you at the game, Gary?â
âNo.â
5. Rotation
You pay ÂŁ50 for a ticket, you spend ÂŁ10 on a pint of beer and a hotdog and you get to watch a kickabout between a bunch of kids no-oneâs ever heard of. Thanks Arsene. Thanks Rafa. Thanks Alex. Nice to know you care.
4. New stadium
Where would you rather watch a game? Maine Road or the City of Manchester Stadium? The Baseball Ground or Pride Park? Highfield Road or The Ricoh Arena? The Dell or St Maryâs? Filbert Street or The Walkers Stadium? Nice prawn sandwiches, though.
3. The Champions League
Whatâs changed since the European Cup turned into the Champions League in 1992? Everything. If you won the European Cup, you were the best team in Europe. If you win the Champions League, you owe someone ÂŁ700 million.
2. The Premier League
Whatâs changed since the Premier League broke away from the Football League in 1992? Everything. If you won the First Division title, you were the best team in England. If you win the Premier League, you owe someone ÂŁ500 million.
1. Television
The monster that ate football.
www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/article5589815.ece