Post by QPR Report on Jun 9, 2009 7:41:11 GMT
Bumped/Flashback - Brilliance 
[Disclaimer! This is a work of satire, brilliantly written by haqpr1963
]
The Initial Post
This is from my usual "sauces" (Well, I made it up while in the Pickles and Condiments aisle at Sainsbury's!)
Long, long ago in that strange alternate reality occupied by our clubs owners.....
[Loftus Road, a phone rings.....]
GP : "Pronto? Paladini. Chi parla?" (For it is he, our club chairman and erstwhile top, top agent.)
FB : "Buongiorno, Flunky, sono il signor Briatore."
GP : "Ahhh, Capo, if it's about da loan then da cheque is inna da post...."
FB : "So you gotta da horses head then? But forget about that for now, we have bigger fish to fry at QPR."
GP : "[SIGH] Remember, Capo, I told you it's not a restaurant it's a football club..."
FB : "Ah, si, so forget about da fish. How is da search for da new coach going?"
GP : "Well, I've done everything we did before, the card is back in da window of the newsagents in Uxbridge Road. But people keep laughing and talking about bargepoles...."
FB : "Okay, well done, but forget about that. This is serious, da press is taking da p***, no one is buying season tickets and Ali has run out of ideas to steal from Hearts. And most important of all da PR department has run out of ways to say that da coach has been sacked without using da S word. This time we have to get it right, so, I have a master plan...."
GP : "Okay, Capo, go ahead...."
FB : "I have been hearing lots of good things about a well respected manager. So Flunky, go and get him, money is no object, we MUST have him...."
GP : "Okay, Capo, just one question. Who is it?"
FB : "Well, I don't want to be too obvious, I am worried about da leaks at da club."
GP : "I told you, we fixed da ladies toilets."
FB : "No, no, I think da guy with da drum has bugged da phones again."
GP : "Oh. Okay, Capo, give me a clue then...."
FB : "Okay, Flunky, get me JM. Do you hear me JM...."
GP : "Is Mr Ecclestone okay with this?"
FB : "Bernie is having his nap. But don't worry, so long as we pay for his Chelsea season ticket he is sweet."
GP : "Okay, Capo, I am on it...."
[Tuesday, this week, Flavio's penthouse office. The phone rings...]
FB : "Pronto? Sex God. Chi parla?"
GP : "Capo, it is me Gianni. I have called in all my contacts from my many years as a top, top agent and da deal is done. 2 year contract. We have arranged da press conference for tomorrow."
FB : "Brilliant, I will see you there......"
[Yesterday, Loftus Road, 5 minutes before the press arrive. Flavio enters stage right.]
JM : "Hello Mr Briatore, nice to meet you."
FB : "Erm, hello, coffee black two sugars. Mine is da solid gold cup with da capital F tastefully picked out in platinum and diamonds."
JM : "Err, okay boss..."
[GP enters stage left.]
FB : "So, Flunky, is Jose here yet? He must be so excited to be back in West London?"
GP : "Ermmmm. Can I have a word?........."
( This ITK BS is easy..... )
The Magilton Diaries - Day 1
Thurs. 4th June, 2009.
Dear Diary,
Woke up bright and early looking forward to this exciting new chapter in my managerial career. (Note to self : don't read club website before going to bed...)
Dressed in the lovely new suit Mr. Briatore got for me from his Billionaire store. The quality is excellent and with my staff discount it was only £4000 down and 6 convenient monthly payments of £2000. I even get to keep it when I leave, so long as I pay off the outstanding balance...
Arrived at Loftus Road. Lots of building work going on, notice it is now being rebranded as "Il Stadio Flavio, (Billionaire Club (White City))". Nice to see the owners getting so involved, the neon signs flashing "Flavio's" are pure class....
Asked the guy on the gate where my parking space was. He smiled and said I should use the visitors space like all the recent managers. Luckily he had change for the "Pay and Display" machine...
Met Mr. Briatore in his office (along with his "Associates" Umberto and Ricardo, blimey they make them big in Italy!) Told him what a pleasure it was to be working at QPR, and that I was looking forward to a long and fruitful relationship with the board. He gave me a funny look when I said that. Umberto and Ricardo smiled...
Mr Briatore said I should think of the club as my new home, well he actually said "temporary, short-term, foster home", but I knew what he meant...
Asked Mr. Briatore about his interesting paperweight, have to admit I would never have thought of using a stuffed black cat for that! He gave me that look again. Umberto and Ricardo had a fit of giggles....
Mr. Briatore invited me to lunch at Cipriani's along with Mr. Ecclestone, Mr. Mittal, Mr. Bhatia, Mr. Agag, Mr. Russell, Umberto, Ricardo and Mr. Paladini. . Great food and they even graciously allowed me to pay. Mr. Paladini looked relieved, apparently that is one of his roles I will be taking over....
On the way back to "Il Stadio Flavio" Mr. Briatore asked me if I had any concerns about the new job. I did mention that I had heard that some of the season ticket holders were a fickle bunch and had a habit of turning on the manager. He said not to worry as Mr. Russell and the Board were well on the way to removing that problem as we spoke...
Met the managerial support team, back at "ISF". Ernie, the handyman, who oiled the revolving door on my office and chalked my name on the slate hanging from a hook next to it. His sister Edna, who is in charge of sewing the initials on all of the managers kit. She asked Mr. Briatore for a new sewing machine as the motor had burnt out in her current one. And, Enzo, my liaison with the board, who would helpfully fill in the team sheets for me. Wow, these successful businessmen think of everything.
Finally got to see my office, seemed a bit cluttered with items left behind by its previous occupants (Portugal caps, a full set of Italian-English phrase books (unused), etc.) I asked what I should do with them, and was told I should put them in the Black Plastic Waste Holding Receptical in the corner. I asked if they meant the Sack. The room went silent, Mr. Briatore winced. Umberto and Ricardo reached into their jackets. (Note to self : apparently we don't use that word here)...
Asked if I could talk to Gareth about the playing staff. Mr. Briatore said this would not be possible as Gareth now has an essential support role in the new structure of the club, apparently this is for life and is set in concrete. Umberto and Ricardo burst out laughing...
On the way out Mr. Briatore gave me the keys to the executive washroom. He said I could find the mop, bucket, toilet rolls, etc. in the locker in my office...
Ahh that Mr. Briatore, It's the way he tells them.......
The Magilton Diaries - Day II
Fri. 5th June, 2009.
Dear Diary,
Second full day in the big job.
Mr. Briatore said I don't have to wear the suit on Fridays, so he has provided casual clothing from the club shop (Boutique Range, very nice, but a bit pricey even with my staff discount...) I mentioned to him that our clothing was provided free of charge by the club at Ipswich. He laughed and said that paying would make me feel much more part of the project.
Drove to Il Stadio Flavio. Car park almost empty. Mr. Briatore and Mr. Ecclestone are off doing their real jobs. Mr. Mittal and Mr. Agag are off doing whatever it is that they do. Mr. Bhatia is practicing his smile and sincere look ready for the next fans meeting, and Mr. Russell is personally visiting everyone who has bought a season ticket to thank them, (he said he would be finished by lunch.) Still had to use the visitors space, noticed the price for the Pay and Display has gone up 50% from yesterday....
Called Mr. Paladini's office, wanted to pop up and see him about some ideas I have for transfers, his secretary said he was busy this morning (something about meeting his boys and arranging a messageboard campaign for me, that's nice....) but he could see me this afternoon.
Decided to watch a few videos of the team over the last couple of seasons. Mr. Briatore was right we have a great team on paper, just a shame they are bloody awful on grass....
Had a quick look at the club website. WOW, never knew I was so popular! Had forgotten I had ever played against Mr. Mandela and the Pope, and I was sure Mother Teresa was dead (never knew she played inside right for the R's either).
After lunch got to see Mr. Paladini. Asked him about the transfer budget for the summer. He wrote a figure on a piece of paper and passed it over. I mentioned how surprised I was that it was so high! He took it back, mumbled something about "Lira", crossed out several 0's and passed it back... Ahhh, this could be interesting.
Asked him how things would work. He said I would have complete control........ of giving him an idea of what I wanted. This would then have to pass the following vital club criteria :
1 : Are they cheap/free?
2 : Are they nowhere near getting a game for the first team of their club?
3 : See 1.
4 : Would they be interested in signing a long contract for massively inflated wages?
5 : See 1 and 3.
If most of these applied (especially 1, 3 and 5) we would then offer 10% of the asking price and if that was not accepted wait for their contract to expire. I asked if this usually worked, he said "NO", but not to worry as, as we spoke, Mr. Briatore was signing some of the best young prospects in world football on year long loans. I really am looking forward to working with the Galataseray under 8's when they arrive.
Mr. P then suggested I go away on holiday for a week. This surprised me as I thought we should be getting on with bringing in one or two players to strengthen the squad. Mr. P said not to worry, everything would be sorted by the time I got back. Apparently it is a club tradition.
So off to Butlins Belfast for a week.
See you soon.......
The Magilton Diaries - Day III
Dear Diary,
So here I am back in Belfast for a couple of days away from the hustle and bustle of Il Stadio Flavio.
Mr. Briatore very kindly let me use his private jet for the journey over. Very plush, even if it did cost 5000 times the price of my usual Ryan Air ticket. As Mr. B pointed out, at least it didn't cost me a pound to spend a penny.... No, it was £5 plus tip, but the enhanced lavatorial experience was well worth it.
Noticed a story in the local paper saying that the club had contacted Coventry about Chris Coleman. Called Mr. Paladini to ask him about this. He said not to worry as it had simply been a wrong number. He also said I shouldn't worry about any stories about calls to Sheffield United re. Kevin Blackwell, or indeed to all of the other 89 League clubs, as they had also been wrong numbers.
I pointed out that the club seemed to have a problem with numbers and perhaps this explained Fitz Hall's contract, He said no, that had simply been a typo and should have been 15 years at 4500 a week. How we laughed about that....
He finally suggested that I not read the papers and instead rely on the club's excellent official web site for all of my news, he said he would get Mr. Russell to send me a direct debit form for the World package....
Received a package from the the club yesterday (C.O.D, of course). Opened it to find my "new" wet weather club jacket, nice to see that the club are doing their bit to save the planet by recycling (though I have also heard that said about some of our recent signings....)
Got a call from Jane at JobCentrePlus asking why I had missed my signing on appointment this morning. Told her that I had now got a job as manager of QPR. She said that was nice and should she keep the next appointment open, just in case! I said that shouldn't be necessary, she said okay, but she would keep my place for the Christmas party....
Got an update from the club re the fitness of the first team squad. Good to hear that Vine and Buzsaky are training hard and should be fit for the start of the season. At least that will free up a couple of beds in the new Dean Sturridge Memorial treatment room for our new signings.
Asked about Fitz Hall's persistent groin problems and was told this had been solved by the medical staff suggesting he get someone else to carry his wallet....
Got to go now, almost time for the Knobbly Knees contest (hope I can do better than my second place in last years "Knee Most Resembling Iain Dowie" category)....
More tomorrow.....
Disclaimer! This is a work of satire....
The Magilton Diaries - PART IV - June 18th
Dear Diary,
Arrived back in london at the weekend clutching my winners medal from the Butlins (Belfast) Donkey Derby. Always good to get off to a winning start in a new job, had to laugh when I noticed that all of the mounts were named after members of last seasons QPR strike force....
Woken up at 3am by a text message from the club. Looked bleary eyed at the screen of my brand new club mobile (Solid 24 carat gold plated plastic with tasteful diamonte accents, only £7500 from the club shop (plus £699 a year on the new FlavTel pay-through-the-nose-as-you-go tariff). Seems to have a slight problem though as it will only receive incoming calls from Mr. Briatore) Noticed the text was from the Ticket Office asking why they had not yet received payment for my season ticket? Will sort that out later when I get into the office.
Arrived at HQ, still have to use the visitors space in the car park, pleased to see that due to the current economic climate the club have not increased the pay and display prices so far this week, sadly missed the Early Bird offer that was in place between 0700 and 0705....
Noticed Gary Borrowdale in the car park. WOW that kid simply oozes quality, I don't think I have ever seen Mr. Paladini's car looking so clean....
Called the Ticket Office about their text message pointing out that I was actually the clubs new manager. They said they would sort it out....
Got a text from the Ticket Office asking why they had not received payment for my HALF-SEASON ticket....
Called Mr. Briatore to ask him about the chances of getting my old mate John Gorman onboard as my number 2. Amazingly he said that John sounded like the perfect man for the position. I asked if this was because of his reputation as a coach and scout? He said partly, but mainly because they had just found a box of John Gregory's old kit and it would only take Edna half an hour to sew the new badges on....
Popped into the Club shop on the way home. Great to see lots of youngsters in there, even saw one young lady leaving with one of those gnomes that they stock. Mentioned this to the guy behind the counter, he looked embarassed and mumbled something about Mr. Ecclestone and his new "friend". Hmmm....
More later....
Disclaimer : This is a work of satire...
Magilton Diaries - Excerpt V
Dear reader,
Following yesterday's FULL disclosure of our wonderful M.Ps (very lightly censored) expenses claims I have decided to drag The Magilton Diaries kicking and screaming into Britains glorious era of transparency.
Therefore I have decided to censor any possibly controversial content. This decision was taken solely to avoid the possibility of any confidential and sensitive information being divulged, after all, we all know where that can lead, don't we? (A three year contract at Swansea, last I heard....)
Read On....
More soon.....
[Disclaimer! This is a work of satire]
Please note this is a work of satirical fiction.... ;D ;D ;D
Dear Diary,
How good is it to be me today???
Things are certainly on the up here at QPR. We are 4th in the Championship table, just for a change have an excellent goal difference and best of all Lee Cook is back in training....
Speaking of Lee, we have already pencilled him in to play an important role in December, 1st helper to Mr B's Santa at the club Christmas Party I understand Mr Ecclestone is busy that day....
Watched the excellent Football League Show on the BBC at the weekend. Great to see that QPR's stock is on the rise with the media and that our brilliant 2 - 1 victory away at Sheffield Wednesday earned almost as much air time as the constant replays of Readings goal....
Got a message last night from Skrewum, Grabbitt and Runn, the public relations agency brought in by the club to work on customer relations. Following their success in attracting unprecedented crowds in the early part of the current season, they have decided to take a leaf out of the Mike Ashley book of getting the fans onside, by rebranding the stadium. Now I know that many of our loyal fans will be upset by this, but I think it is a brilliant idea. Lets see those buggers on the BBC try to fit "Today at the flaviobriatore.it @renaultf1.com @ billionairelife.com @ lioninthesun.net @ twigabeachclub.com @ billionairecouture.com @ arcelormittal.com @ formula1.com @ confused.com @ toyojapan.net @ qpr.co.uk @ Loftus Road Stadium QPR continued their winning run....." into 30 seconds. Besides, it was either that or have Mr B in a QPR top drinking a pint in amongst the paying public, and that was never going to happen, was it?
Good to see that our continued success on the pitch has led to yet another sponsor joining the QPR project, welcome aboard Toyo....
Now I will be the first to admit that when I finally found out what they do I thought it was a bit of a strange decision, but apparently the clubs owners swear by their products. Have to say though that the results appear to differ greatly. Mr B isn't looking his best since he started using their facial scrub
but I guess a lot of that is down to his recent troubles outside the club, not helped by finding out yesterday that his attempt to get Simon Cowell, Danni Minogue, Cheryl Cole and Louis Walsh onto the panel of judges for his appeal in Paris had failed. But on the other hand Mr Ecclestone said that after trying it just once he felt like an 18 year old, so nothing has changed there then.....
Speaking of Toyo, I noticed that they were making yet another delivery to the club this morning.
Luckily I managed to avoid the rather large steaming deposit left in the car park by their delivery vehicle.
At least that proves that everything the Ipswich fans were saying on the message boards was wrong. See guys I do know Yak Sh*t (at least I think that was what they said)....
So, Onwards and Upwards, see you all after the international break.
Jim.....
The Magilton Diaries (Last Part)
Dear Diary,
Bugger, bugger, bugger, b*******, f***, bugger.....
Jim.
[Disclaimer! This has been a work of satire/fiction, brilliantly written by haqpr1963 ]
[Disclaimer! This is a work of satire, brilliantly written by haqpr1963
]The Initial Post
This is from my usual "sauces" (Well, I made it up while in the Pickles and Condiments aisle at Sainsbury's!)
Long, long ago in that strange alternate reality occupied by our clubs owners.....
[Loftus Road, a phone rings.....]
GP : "Pronto? Paladini. Chi parla?" (For it is he, our club chairman and erstwhile top, top agent.)
FB : "Buongiorno, Flunky, sono il signor Briatore."
GP : "Ahhh, Capo, if it's about da loan then da cheque is inna da post...."
FB : "So you gotta da horses head then? But forget about that for now, we have bigger fish to fry at QPR."
GP : "[SIGH] Remember, Capo, I told you it's not a restaurant it's a football club..."
FB : "Ah, si, so forget about da fish. How is da search for da new coach going?"
GP : "Well, I've done everything we did before, the card is back in da window of the newsagents in Uxbridge Road. But people keep laughing and talking about bargepoles...."
FB : "Okay, well done, but forget about that. This is serious, da press is taking da p***, no one is buying season tickets and Ali has run out of ideas to steal from Hearts. And most important of all da PR department has run out of ways to say that da coach has been sacked without using da S word. This time we have to get it right, so, I have a master plan...."
GP : "Okay, Capo, go ahead...."
FB : "I have been hearing lots of good things about a well respected manager. So Flunky, go and get him, money is no object, we MUST have him...."
GP : "Okay, Capo, just one question. Who is it?"
FB : "Well, I don't want to be too obvious, I am worried about da leaks at da club."
GP : "I told you, we fixed da ladies toilets."
FB : "No, no, I think da guy with da drum has bugged da phones again."
GP : "Oh. Okay, Capo, give me a clue then...."
FB : "Okay, Flunky, get me JM. Do you hear me JM...."
GP : "Is Mr Ecclestone okay with this?"
FB : "Bernie is having his nap. But don't worry, so long as we pay for his Chelsea season ticket he is sweet."
GP : "Okay, Capo, I am on it...."
[Tuesday, this week, Flavio's penthouse office. The phone rings...]
FB : "Pronto? Sex God. Chi parla?"
GP : "Capo, it is me Gianni. I have called in all my contacts from my many years as a top, top agent and da deal is done. 2 year contract. We have arranged da press conference for tomorrow."
FB : "Brilliant, I will see you there......"
[Yesterday, Loftus Road, 5 minutes before the press arrive. Flavio enters stage right.]
JM : "Hello Mr Briatore, nice to meet you."
FB : "Erm, hello, coffee black two sugars. Mine is da solid gold cup with da capital F tastefully picked out in platinum and diamonds."
JM : "Err, okay boss..."
[GP enters stage left.]
FB : "So, Flunky, is Jose here yet? He must be so excited to be back in West London?"
GP : "Ermmmm. Can I have a word?........."
( This ITK BS is easy..... )
The Magilton Diaries - Day 1
Thurs. 4th June, 2009.
Dear Diary,
Woke up bright and early looking forward to this exciting new chapter in my managerial career. (Note to self : don't read club website before going to bed...)
Dressed in the lovely new suit Mr. Briatore got for me from his Billionaire store. The quality is excellent and with my staff discount it was only £4000 down and 6 convenient monthly payments of £2000. I even get to keep it when I leave, so long as I pay off the outstanding balance...
Arrived at Loftus Road. Lots of building work going on, notice it is now being rebranded as "Il Stadio Flavio, (Billionaire Club (White City))". Nice to see the owners getting so involved, the neon signs flashing "Flavio's" are pure class....
Asked the guy on the gate where my parking space was. He smiled and said I should use the visitors space like all the recent managers. Luckily he had change for the "Pay and Display" machine...
Met Mr. Briatore in his office (along with his "Associates" Umberto and Ricardo, blimey they make them big in Italy!) Told him what a pleasure it was to be working at QPR, and that I was looking forward to a long and fruitful relationship with the board. He gave me a funny look when I said that. Umberto and Ricardo smiled...
Mr Briatore said I should think of the club as my new home, well he actually said "temporary, short-term, foster home", but I knew what he meant...
Asked Mr. Briatore about his interesting paperweight, have to admit I would never have thought of using a stuffed black cat for that! He gave me that look again. Umberto and Ricardo had a fit of giggles....
Mr. Briatore invited me to lunch at Cipriani's along with Mr. Ecclestone, Mr. Mittal, Mr. Bhatia, Mr. Agag, Mr. Russell, Umberto, Ricardo and Mr. Paladini. . Great food and they even graciously allowed me to pay. Mr. Paladini looked relieved, apparently that is one of his roles I will be taking over....
On the way back to "Il Stadio Flavio" Mr. Briatore asked me if I had any concerns about the new job. I did mention that I had heard that some of the season ticket holders were a fickle bunch and had a habit of turning on the manager. He said not to worry as Mr. Russell and the Board were well on the way to removing that problem as we spoke...
Met the managerial support team, back at "ISF". Ernie, the handyman, who oiled the revolving door on my office and chalked my name on the slate hanging from a hook next to it. His sister Edna, who is in charge of sewing the initials on all of the managers kit. She asked Mr. Briatore for a new sewing machine as the motor had burnt out in her current one. And, Enzo, my liaison with the board, who would helpfully fill in the team sheets for me. Wow, these successful businessmen think of everything.
Finally got to see my office, seemed a bit cluttered with items left behind by its previous occupants (Portugal caps, a full set of Italian-English phrase books (unused), etc.) I asked what I should do with them, and was told I should put them in the Black Plastic Waste Holding Receptical in the corner. I asked if they meant the Sack. The room went silent, Mr. Briatore winced. Umberto and Ricardo reached into their jackets. (Note to self : apparently we don't use that word here)...
Asked if I could talk to Gareth about the playing staff. Mr. Briatore said this would not be possible as Gareth now has an essential support role in the new structure of the club, apparently this is for life and is set in concrete. Umberto and Ricardo burst out laughing...
On the way out Mr. Briatore gave me the keys to the executive washroom. He said I could find the mop, bucket, toilet rolls, etc. in the locker in my office...
Ahh that Mr. Briatore, It's the way he tells them.......
The Magilton Diaries - Day II
Fri. 5th June, 2009.
Dear Diary,
Second full day in the big job.
Mr. Briatore said I don't have to wear the suit on Fridays, so he has provided casual clothing from the club shop (Boutique Range, very nice, but a bit pricey even with my staff discount...) I mentioned to him that our clothing was provided free of charge by the club at Ipswich. He laughed and said that paying would make me feel much more part of the project.
Drove to Il Stadio Flavio. Car park almost empty. Mr. Briatore and Mr. Ecclestone are off doing their real jobs. Mr. Mittal and Mr. Agag are off doing whatever it is that they do. Mr. Bhatia is practicing his smile and sincere look ready for the next fans meeting, and Mr. Russell is personally visiting everyone who has bought a season ticket to thank them, (he said he would be finished by lunch.) Still had to use the visitors space, noticed the price for the Pay and Display has gone up 50% from yesterday....
Called Mr. Paladini's office, wanted to pop up and see him about some ideas I have for transfers, his secretary said he was busy this morning (something about meeting his boys and arranging a messageboard campaign for me, that's nice....) but he could see me this afternoon.
Decided to watch a few videos of the team over the last couple of seasons. Mr. Briatore was right we have a great team on paper, just a shame they are bloody awful on grass....
Had a quick look at the club website. WOW, never knew I was so popular! Had forgotten I had ever played against Mr. Mandela and the Pope, and I was sure Mother Teresa was dead (never knew she played inside right for the R's either).
After lunch got to see Mr. Paladini. Asked him about the transfer budget for the summer. He wrote a figure on a piece of paper and passed it over. I mentioned how surprised I was that it was so high! He took it back, mumbled something about "Lira", crossed out several 0's and passed it back... Ahhh, this could be interesting.
Asked him how things would work. He said I would have complete control........ of giving him an idea of what I wanted. This would then have to pass the following vital club criteria :
1 : Are they cheap/free?
2 : Are they nowhere near getting a game for the first team of their club?
3 : See 1.
4 : Would they be interested in signing a long contract for massively inflated wages?
5 : See 1 and 3.
If most of these applied (especially 1, 3 and 5) we would then offer 10% of the asking price and if that was not accepted wait for their contract to expire. I asked if this usually worked, he said "NO", but not to worry as, as we spoke, Mr. Briatore was signing some of the best young prospects in world football on year long loans. I really am looking forward to working with the Galataseray under 8's when they arrive.
Mr. P then suggested I go away on holiday for a week. This surprised me as I thought we should be getting on with bringing in one or two players to strengthen the squad. Mr. P said not to worry, everything would be sorted by the time I got back. Apparently it is a club tradition.
So off to Butlins Belfast for a week.
See you soon.......
The Magilton Diaries - Day III
Dear Diary,
So here I am back in Belfast for a couple of days away from the hustle and bustle of Il Stadio Flavio.
Mr. Briatore very kindly let me use his private jet for the journey over. Very plush, even if it did cost 5000 times the price of my usual Ryan Air ticket. As Mr. B pointed out, at least it didn't cost me a pound to spend a penny.... No, it was £5 plus tip, but the enhanced lavatorial experience was well worth it.
Noticed a story in the local paper saying that the club had contacted Coventry about Chris Coleman. Called Mr. Paladini to ask him about this. He said not to worry as it had simply been a wrong number. He also said I shouldn't worry about any stories about calls to Sheffield United re. Kevin Blackwell, or indeed to all of the other 89 League clubs, as they had also been wrong numbers.
I pointed out that the club seemed to have a problem with numbers and perhaps this explained Fitz Hall's contract, He said no, that had simply been a typo and should have been 15 years at 4500 a week. How we laughed about that....
He finally suggested that I not read the papers and instead rely on the club's excellent official web site for all of my news, he said he would get Mr. Russell to send me a direct debit form for the World package....
Received a package from the the club yesterday (C.O.D, of course). Opened it to find my "new" wet weather club jacket, nice to see that the club are doing their bit to save the planet by recycling (though I have also heard that said about some of our recent signings....)
Got a call from Jane at JobCentrePlus asking why I had missed my signing on appointment this morning. Told her that I had now got a job as manager of QPR. She said that was nice and should she keep the next appointment open, just in case! I said that shouldn't be necessary, she said okay, but she would keep my place for the Christmas party....
Got an update from the club re the fitness of the first team squad. Good to hear that Vine and Buzsaky are training hard and should be fit for the start of the season. At least that will free up a couple of beds in the new Dean Sturridge Memorial treatment room for our new signings.
Asked about Fitz Hall's persistent groin problems and was told this had been solved by the medical staff suggesting he get someone else to carry his wallet....
Got to go now, almost time for the Knobbly Knees contest (hope I can do better than my second place in last years "Knee Most Resembling Iain Dowie" category)....
More tomorrow.....
Disclaimer! This is a work of satire....
The Magilton Diaries - PART IV - June 18th
Dear Diary,
Arrived back in london at the weekend clutching my winners medal from the Butlins (Belfast) Donkey Derby. Always good to get off to a winning start in a new job, had to laugh when I noticed that all of the mounts were named after members of last seasons QPR strike force....
Woken up at 3am by a text message from the club. Looked bleary eyed at the screen of my brand new club mobile (Solid 24 carat gold plated plastic with tasteful diamonte accents, only £7500 from the club shop (plus £699 a year on the new FlavTel pay-through-the-nose-as-you-go tariff). Seems to have a slight problem though as it will only receive incoming calls from Mr. Briatore) Noticed the text was from the Ticket Office asking why they had not yet received payment for my season ticket? Will sort that out later when I get into the office.
Arrived at HQ, still have to use the visitors space in the car park, pleased to see that due to the current economic climate the club have not increased the pay and display prices so far this week, sadly missed the Early Bird offer that was in place between 0700 and 0705....
Noticed Gary Borrowdale in the car park. WOW that kid simply oozes quality, I don't think I have ever seen Mr. Paladini's car looking so clean....
Called the Ticket Office about their text message pointing out that I was actually the clubs new manager. They said they would sort it out....
Got a text from the Ticket Office asking why they had not received payment for my HALF-SEASON ticket....
Called Mr. Briatore to ask him about the chances of getting my old mate John Gorman onboard as my number 2. Amazingly he said that John sounded like the perfect man for the position. I asked if this was because of his reputation as a coach and scout? He said partly, but mainly because they had just found a box of John Gregory's old kit and it would only take Edna half an hour to sew the new badges on....
Popped into the Club shop on the way home. Great to see lots of youngsters in there, even saw one young lady leaving with one of those gnomes that they stock. Mentioned this to the guy behind the counter, he looked embarassed and mumbled something about Mr. Ecclestone and his new "friend". Hmmm....
More later....
Disclaimer : This is a work of satire...
Magilton Diaries - Excerpt V
Dear reader,
Following yesterday's FULL disclosure of our wonderful M.Ps (very lightly censored) expenses claims I have decided to drag The Magilton Diaries kicking and screaming into Britains glorious era of transparency.
Therefore I have decided to censor any possibly controversial content. This decision was taken solely to avoid the possibility of any confidential and sensitive information being divulged, after all, we all know where that can lead, don't we? (A three year contract at Swansea, last I heard....)
Read On....
More soon.....
[Disclaimer! This is a work of satire
]Please note this is a work of satirical fiction.... ;D ;D ;D
Dear Diary,
How good is it to be me today???
Things are certainly on the up here at QPR. We are 4th in the Championship table, just for a change have an excellent goal difference and best of all Lee Cook is back in training....
Speaking of Lee, we have already pencilled him in to play an important role in December, 1st helper to Mr B's Santa at the club Christmas Party I understand Mr Ecclestone is busy that day....
Watched the excellent Football League Show on the BBC at the weekend. Great to see that QPR's stock is on the rise with the media and that our brilliant 2 - 1 victory away at Sheffield Wednesday earned almost as much air time as the constant replays of Readings goal....
Got a message last night from Skrewum, Grabbitt and Runn, the public relations agency brought in by the club to work on customer relations. Following their success in attracting unprecedented crowds in the early part of the current season, they have decided to take a leaf out of the Mike Ashley book of getting the fans onside, by rebranding the stadium. Now I know that many of our loyal fans will be upset by this, but I think it is a brilliant idea. Lets see those buggers on the BBC try to fit "Today at the flaviobriatore.it @
Good to see that our continued success on the pitch has led to yet another sponsor joining the QPR project, welcome aboard Toyo....
Now I will be the first to admit that when I finally found out what they do I thought it was a bit of a strange decision, but apparently the clubs owners swear by their products. Have to say though that the results appear to differ greatly. Mr B isn't looking his best since he started using their facial scrub
but I guess a lot of that is down to his recent troubles outside the club, not helped by finding out yesterday that his attempt to get Simon Cowell, Danni Minogue, Cheryl Cole and Louis Walsh onto the panel of judges for his appeal in Paris had failed. But on the other hand Mr Ecclestone said that after trying it just once he felt like an 18 year old, so nothing has changed there then.....
Speaking of Toyo, I noticed that they were making yet another delivery to the club this morning.
Luckily I managed to avoid the rather large steaming deposit left in the car park by their delivery vehicle.
At least that proves that everything the Ipswich fans were saying on the message boards was wrong. See guys I do know Yak Sh*t (at least I think that was what they said)....
So, Onwards and Upwards, see you all after the international break.
Jim.....
The Magilton Diaries (Last Part)
Dear Diary,
Bugger, bugger, bugger, b*******, f***, bugger.....
Jim.
[Disclaimer! This has been a work of satire/fiction, brilliantly written by haqpr1963 ]
